On Coming Out

Most people don't think about it, but ProDommes are people (*gasp* I know!). We have families, friends, and lovers. Given the nature of what We do and the social stigma associated with it, We tend to be selective about whom We tell exactly what it is Our profession is. There can be dangers with coming out especially if You have children, are going through a divorce, or are just starting as a Dominatrix and have a "day job". Most of the time when FemDommes are pressed for a job title they go with "adult entertainer" or "life coach". That's why forced "outing" or having someone else "out" you is such a big deal. People in the lifestyle consider it a violent breech of ethics and one can be blacklisted from the community and events for committing such a heinous act. For more on coming out kinky, check out Princess Kali speaking with Kink Academy.

Unfortunately, I was the victim of such an outing on two occasions. The first time was before I became a ProDomme and was beginning to explore alternative lifestyles. My spouse and I came to the conclusion that polyamory was a lifestyle that we were suited to, and began to pursue relationships outside of our marriage. We were both really happy, and I decided to confide about My new venture with a family member who was also poly. I came to regret that decision as this person apparently became emotionally unstable and, in a fit of pettiness, told my father that I was seeing people besides my spouse. My father didn't speak to me for two years. He didn't confront me about it, he just ceased all communication. I missed holidays, birthdays, life events, for TWO YEARS all because of one person deciding to "out" me.

I didn't find out exactly what had happened till well after the fact when I was just beginning to reconnect with my father. Sadly, the aforementioned family member, whom I thought I was close to, had already been told about my new enterprise as a Dominatrix. This time I was prepared. When things started to go south with that person, I quickly came out to my parents. The letters went something like this,

"Dear Mom/Dad, I wanted to tell you before you hear elsewhere. I’ve been working as a professional Dominatrix. What I do is legal and is not prostitution. It lets me set my own hours, help provide for my family, and is kinda fun. I wanted to tell you so it doesn’t come as a surprise should you hear something. I can answer questions if you want, but otherwise we don’t have to discuss it at all. Holly"

My mom reacted great. She said she didn't care if I was a prostitute as long as I was happy and safe. She also asked if I had whips. My dad fumbled for words and replied with "Thanks for sharing? Stay safe". Coming out went better the second time because I got to do it more on My terms. I'm still very bitter that it had to be rushed and I didn't get to choose the timing of it--if I hadn't had that short conversation with My parents then, I would have been doing damage control again. I'm also hurt that person felt the need to forcefully out Me, as it has lasting effects and harms more than just Me. Needless to say, I no longer have them in My life. I can no longer trust them to know anything about Me.

I'm looking forward to the point in My life when I can fully adopt a devil-may-care attitude and be open about My work. I have no shame in what I do, but I feel the need to be discreet for the sake of My immediate family members and how they might be treated by the community should my lifestyle become well known. Until then, I shall enjoy my risque secret.